“I attach to it, so I have questions”

Buddhi Chaudhary

When I see the homeless people on the roadside, beggar’s parents and children asking for food, within my little heart and mind feel that what deed I had done in my past life to have better life than they are spending. And another time, I feel that due to the some misdeeds in their past life the nature has affected them to be like this. May be the meritorious deeds that they did is not enough to have quality life like everyone has.

Whenever, I see the rich man with the black coat, black tie, black pant and blackest shoes have the same feeling to my heart and mind that what deed they had done in their past life to have this quality life that others don’t have. What meritorious deeds they did to be rich man who is I am not.

Even though, I am a Buddhist monk or Bhikkhu but curiosity still exist within me. I try to compare those poor people with me and myself. I go to the alms round (Beg foods) every morning to be survived. I consume foods given by the ordinary lay people. I wear robes offered by the devotees with deep fait to the Buddha and his teaching regarding me as his followers. Every requisites belonging to me are other’s properties which is offered by the devotees with deep faith, belief and compassion or commiseration towards Buddhism. Whenever, I think about all those facts, I see not much different between me and beggar’s parents and children and homeless people on the both roadside.

At the same time, I compare myself with the local and international rich people. What make them to say they are rich? Don’t I have knowledge like those rich people? Don’t I have health, enough wealth to be satisfied and happiness within and out of mind and heart which don’t have to the most of rich people? Does these questions are my ultimate goals to be solved to me?

Questions and curiosity often struggle within my mind to find answers out but still could not because of the worldly attachment. I have attachment. I have tranquilities. I have desires “To be” “Want to be” “I need” “I am” “Me” and “Myself.” Until I disentangle this tangle, I have attachment to have many questions and curiosity to be solved but unable to solve.

Even though, I renounced from the worldly attachment but still family, relatives and friends bondages exist within me. When, I see my beloved mother’s kind and affectionate face, I feel like you are God to me. You created me to be existed in this world and play my own worldly stages of lives. You taught me the way to crawl on the floor like new born pup. While giving me your own blood-mixed milk, you taught me to say “Papa” and I would repeat you “Papa” like little kitty showing my two front ratty-teeth. “Son, think we all human beings are equal. Even though, we are tall and short, black and white, fat and thin in complexion but we all are same. Can you see, we all have two eyes, two nose wholes, two ears and one mouth? Don’t we all are same my beloved son? Don’t we all are human beings my beloved son?’’ When I would complain to my mother bullies of friends to me, my mother would say “Mind not my son. While blaming you, they waste their own energies and pain their mouth but nothing happens to you” I can feel her valuable advices, when see her face. “Their blame-words for themselves not for you my son” giving me such a thousand worth advices, my mother taught me to grow up. And now she had made me to think like other great thinkers Aristotle, Plato, Socrates, Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Steve Jobs, Alain De Botton, Mahatma Gandhi and Buddha himself etc in east and west both parts of the world.

My dad’s hard and darken face defines me the way he sweated while working hard in the sunny-field to be feed us up, ate foods full-belly, to wore clothes nicely and neatly, to go to the school to learn letters etc. Though, he never mention “I love you my son” but his faces tell me that he love me so much. I could remember, every day, before sleeping, he would come to my room and see whether I sleep or not. That doesn’t simply means that he want to see whether I sleep or not but also his hidden affections often arise towards me and he can’t express that to me. I can feel his thief-like steps but I keep quite because his unspoken love makes me survive.

I attach to my parents and my parents attach to me then there questions and curiosity arise. I wonder how deep my parent’s loves are. Their loves upon me are like deep Blue Ocean and high Everest Mountain ever. And another time, sitting on the balcony and looking the fight between two chicken mothers to serve their babies, I think my parents love is incomparable. It cannot be compared to deep Blue Ocean and Highest Everest Mountain. Deep Blue Ocean and Everest Mountain could be dived and ascended or got on but parents love can’t be paid off. It has uncountable qualities. Buddha, the savior of the world tried to pay his parents love off but he himself could not. We are ordinary human beings.

Whatever the things, I see from the sun rises until sun set, I have questions and curiosity of those all things because I attach to it and those things attach to me and my mind that is why, I am wondering still on this world.